Just one more :)

I know this might seem obsessive but I had to add this last one---its hilarious!

Mariska Hargitay. Part 2.

Mariska Hargitay.

So I've been laying in my bed for about a day and a couple of hours doing the same thing over and over and over again; watching my Law and Order: SVU dvds. So its no secret to about anyone who knows me well enough that I am obsessed with Mariska Hargitay. Some of you are always asking me why, and blah blah blah. But I owe you no explanations as to why I love her so much. I just do. Point blank. I love her. She makes me happy and I wish I knew her. And for those of you who don't get it, well you don't have too. Mariska I guess has served as an escape route for some time, I guess I idealistically came up with her role in my life. I feel like I know her sometimes, like if she was a regular person, that I knew. I guess because thats how she is, and we have all at one point in our lives clung on to something we wished was real. Regardless, I love love love love love love love Mariska. And I don't care what any of you have to say about it She is my role model. Speshyl and Kassidy have been my best friends for like ever and they know how much she means to me, and why she means so much, without me even having to say a word, they just know. Mariska is fantastic and I LOVE HER!. It really doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, or if anyone else understands. So to sidetrack this blog I want to say thank you to those two individuals. Kassidy Velasquez and Speshyl Smith, you guys have been my friends since we were in Kindergarten and we've grown up together and unlike many of our other friends we've been reluctant to grow apart. Someone who also matters a lot to me is Valerie Velasquez, not because shes Kassidy's sister, but because even though we haven't been in the same classes or grew up together like Speshyl, Kassidy and I have, she was always there. Mariska serves as an ideal friend. But you three serve as my real ones. I will forever and always love you guys. Oh, and of course Mariska :)

The Christmas Magic is Gone.

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love

Photo Album.

"We photographers deal in things which are continually vanishing, and when they have vanished there is no contrivance on earth can make them come back again. We cannot develop and print a memory."- Henri Cartier- Bresson

Two blogs in one day my gosh I am on a roll. I guess its for two reasons: 1) I want to do all that I can to continue this blog, and 2) I have so much on my mind. So I was browsing through photo albums from the last 15 years of my life and it gave me such a feeling of euphoria however at the time I knew that the memory in the picture cannot relive itself again. I love photographs partly because I am an aspiring photographer, and partly because they bring back all these memories of happiness and then you look at your life now and its a mess. You want to run, scream, cry, yell, and get lost in darkness until you feel good again.

These photo albums are wonderful though, seeing the time Kayla, Carly, and me dressed up for Halloween and I was a lobster and Carly was a unicorn and Kayla was a gypsy just makes me want to get back to it all, start over, feel good and new again.

But even the beauty of the photos in these albums get diminished by reality, you know you cant have what you had back then again. You know its long gone and you cannot physically be in that state of mind anymore. And that's when I understood, I thought about my state of mind back then and how drastically it has changed and how much ive changed. But I dont necessarily want to go back, as much as I want to feel that way I did in the past in the present. Its remarkable how much a single photograph can ignite all types of emotions in your head, and I guess that's one thing we can somewhat relive; emotion. The way we felt at a certain time in life cannot easily be forgotten especially if its something that pains you deeply.

Sometimes I wish I can start over.
Sometimes I wish I cant.
Sometimes I wish I had rewind.
Sometimes I wish I can fast forward.

The truth? We don't have any control of our lives, we never make decisions the way we would have later. And all we really have to keep us going is hope, but sometimes not definitely knowing the outcome of something can pain you just as much as knowing.

Under Pressure.

" The only pressure I'm under is the pressure I've put on myself" -Mark Messier

Pressure, Pressure Pressure. Where do I begin? Lately I've been under lots and lots of pressure in both my academic life and my social one. I've tried things I shouldn't have, done things I regret, and I'm loosing myself in the process. And honestly you know the saying ' now there's no where to go but up'? Well, actually all I want to do is keep going down until I disappear, I feel like everyone has turn their backs on me, everyone is disappointed asking me 'why?' 'why?' 'why?' and it only makes me feel worse. I have no one to talk to because if I do I'll only dilute the way they look at me now. Sometimes I feel like I can't keep up with anything, and much rather fall back into a huge ditch, but I can't I guess.

Growing Up.

"Ignorance is learned; innocence is forgotten.
JOSÉ BERGAMÍN."
"We each begin in innocence.
We all become guilty."
LEONARD F. PELTIER.
So I've had a little bit of an epiphany this December, being christmas and all, I've realized that all the magic is gone. Every single last bit of it...is gone. Even putting up the christmas tree this year was different. And those opening quotes explain it all, we are all born with sich purity and innocence and it all becomes corrupted after a while. I miss the magic christmas would bring, I miss believing that their was a Santa Claus, or secretly knowing there wasnt but appreciating how much everyone would still pretend there was. But the truth is after a while everyone stops pretending, and quite frankly its sad. Now we really have nothing to look forward to, as much as we all secretly want to grasp on to our youth and never let go, we cant. We have to let go after a while and as much as it pains us its something we cant change.

A New Start.

Well, as of this moment I am so sick of deleting my blogs, but at the same time I really want to go somewhere with this blog-spot. So I am going to permanently keep this one even if it still doesn't quite meet my expectations. So lately I have been feeling trapped and the worse part of feeling like your living in a mad house is the fact that you have no one to talk to about it. I'm not someone to complain especially someone to tell someone every single thing I'm feeling but I feel like I have been hit hard, with just about everything. And I can not deal, as of right now I don't know where to go and what to do, the amount of stuff zooming through my head is so large that the only way I can deal is by taking care of one problem at a time, but I can't really do that. 10th grade is a bitch, at first I thought it'll be much easier than 9th but not at all, I guess because in 9th grade people can be anyone they want but eventually you see their character in a not so pleasant view. To get back to this blog, the reason I keep deleting them continuously is an obvious problem I struggle with everyday;perfection. Sometimes I just don't feel good enough, or strong enough for anything. I guess there's certain things I have to accept about myself and certain things I MUST change.